|I was scared. I admit it.
A group of people had died on the volcano just the week before. The weather had taken a quick turn and several people went against the judgment of their guide and they died of exposure. We were all a little on edge.
Also, I am not in the same shape I was in my 20’s. My priorities have shifted. Raising my kid took precedence over being in mountain climbing shape.
But this was one of those moments when I thought “This is a once in a lifetime chance! I can’t miss this! I have to push through the fear! I can’t let my head get the better of me!”
So we started to climb.
Things went sour for me pretty quickly.
I couldn’t catch my breath. No matter how hard I tried.
My legs were fine. My lungs were not.
I fought every instinct in my body and pushed and pushed and pushed, until I had an asthma attack. On a volcano. In Guatemala.
And I gave up.
It kills my heart to say this because I don’t consider myself a quitter.
I am embarrassed to admit it.
But I thought to myself (and here is the point of this entire photobook story) “What the HELL am I doing to myself here!?! Who am I trying to prove a point to?!?! Why I am I going against everything my body is telling me!?!?”
And so, I was taken down the volcano. And I was mortified.
And I went back to our place in Guatemala (over an hour away) and cried and cried and cried.
I mourned the ‘old’ me. I mourned the strength of my ‘old’ body. I mourned the adventurous side of me who would have kept going. I mourned the vibrancy of my youth.
And after I mourned, I came out the other side and asked myself ‘Ok Jenn. Who DO you want to be? What pieces of your ‘old’ self do you actually WANT back and what pieces of your ‘old’ self can you mourn and let go of?’
I am still working through these questions. Every day I pull myself apart a little bit and think ‘Do you love this? Do you want to do this? What else would you rather be doing?’
I don’t know how long this ‘thing’ takes, Mamas. This ‘thing’ of putting ourselves back together after bringing a person into the world. And don’t let anyone tell you how long it ‘should’ take. You do you, Mama. As long as you are working on it bit by bit, piece by piece.
So, Mamas, what can you do today, this month, this year to mourn the pieces of ‘you’ you may have to leave behind and what can you do to pick up the pieces you really want to hold onto?
Baby Mama and Body Boss,
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