My husband asked me if we could talk….
Last week was my 3rd wedding anniversary.
3 years ago me and the love of my life said “I do” on the sandy beach of Cayo Santa Maria, Cuba, in front of 25 of our closest family and friends. It was pure magic.
Cut back to the present tense where my husband scares the living bejeezus out of me when he asks if we can “talk”. Now, I don’t know about your husband, but trying to get mine to be serious and talk about anything is like pulling teeth so needless to say I was a little nervous (even though I was 1000% sure it had nothing to do with splitting).
“I want to talk about having another baby.”
CUE Jenn’s jaw dropping to the floor.
In my head “ARE YOU EFFING CRAZY!?! I CAN’T EVEN HANDLE THE ONE WE HAVE!”
Out loud “Ok…”
Him: “I just feel like it is time to start talking about it. Whenever I have thought about having a family, I have always imagined two kids and I have always imagined them being pretty close together in age.”
In my head “THAT IS SO EASY FOR YOU TO SAY BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE TO GIVE UP YOUR BODY AND JOB FOR YEARS!!”
Out loud “Ok…”
Him: “I know that you make jokes all the time saying ‘one-and-done’ but I had always hoped that they were just jokes and that you would be open to talking about having another. Also, you look like your head is going to explode so thank you for listening, please say what you would like to say.”
This was my moment. My moment to tell the love of my life all the reasons why I don’t want what he wants. And I knew it would hurt him. I didn’t want to hurt him. But we have always been open and honest with each other. It is why we have one of the healthiest relationships I know of.
Me: “I am terrified. I am terrified to give up my body again. I still don’t feel like I have it ‘back’, whatever that means. I am terrified that we had it so easy with Sully that it would be impossible to win the baby lottery again and have another easy baby. I am terrified that we would lose each other in the day to day of having two kids, and I am not willing to lose you. Under any circumstances. I am terrified that our freedom would be sacrificed more than it already has and I am struggling with that as it is. I am terrified.”
So that is where we started from…
It was a long and deep and emotional conversation. And we are still working our way through it.
But in talking about it, I thought about the things that would make me feel like I had more ownership over my body this time around.
Now we get to the whole reason I am bringing this up in this newsletter about Mama fitness….
So here is what I stated out loud to my husband, but also to myself, about what I would need to feel and do were I to start this whole motherhood process again.
1) I would want to workout during my entire pregnancy.
My Dr. told me I needed to cut back at around the 7 month mark and it destroyed my heart and made me feel like I was losing a piece of myself. Pre-natal yoga didn’t cut it.
If working out is a part of you, don’t give it up. There are adjustments that can be made for any pregnancy. Plus it makes the recovery process so much easier. It also lowers your chances of Diastasis Recti.
2) I would want dedicated alone time and dedicated “date” time.
I have spent a grand total of 12 consecutive hours away from my son since he was born. This is not healthy for me. I was naive to how much time would be spent with another human attached to me. I was naive to how little support we would have to be able to take long periods of time away from our son.
I think every Mama needs alone time and time spent with their partners just to remind themselves of who they are without a little one wrapped around them. Take some dedicated time to remember who you are. Take some dedicated time to remember who the person you fell in love with is.
3) I would want a better support system and a kick ass group of Mamas to hang with.
When we had our first son, we were lucky enough to have my baby sister in the same city as us, but that was it. The rest of our family were provinces away. And because I was heading into Mat Leave, hiring someone wasn’t always an option. The other thing that made it super tough was that I was working in a job with lots of young women who were more worried about where they were going to go out on Friday night (Holy Crap, it made me miss my 20’s!) so no support system there…
This time around I would want to build myself into the coolest, funniest, least judgey, most supportive support system that could ever support.
I watch Mamas in my bootcamps make dear friends and make dates with the other Mamas. I see them post pics with the other Mamas hanging out and I am just so proud. I would want that this time around.
The advantage of #2 is that you get to do things differently. You don’t know what you don’t know, you know?
If you are thinking of #2 (or 3 or 4), I hope this helps motivate you to figure out what you want to give yourself this time around to support you in this new journey. Because every time you do this, it will be new, and terrifying, and exciting, and filled with absolute wonder and poop.
Baby Mama and Body Boss,
ps-Mamas, if you like what you read, I would so grateful if you would SHARE away. Every little bit helps this Mama towards helping as many Mamas as possible.